Where's MY white light?

Yesterday, a friend asked me if I felt a call to the music ministry. What a great question! And I don't even have to think hard about it. The answer is a resounding - No.

Never have, really.

I've had plenty of piano lessons, choir practices, college classes, etc. But I've never had the blinding white light from Heaven, or that burning conviction in my heart that I should be a musician. And yet, there I am every Sunday moring, leading worship at my church.

Part of me envies those people who know music is their destiny. It would be so comforting to have that certainty, especially on those Sunday mornings when I pick the wrong songs, or hit some sour notes, or things just stink in general.

Part of me thinks that we put too much of a premium on "callings." Should I pack up my chorus book and let everyone sing acappella because I never had a musical epiphany? And what about those people that most every music leader has dealt with. The ones that "know" they're called to be a soloist, even though their vocal abilities don't match their confidence.

Callings are a risky topic, since God doesn't send us a signed affidavit that we can whip out as proof. But hard work and hours of practice are indisputable. God needs laborers for the field, and I feel like I shouldn't sit around and wait for an engraved invitation.

What if . . . ?

The question that almost everyone asks themselves is, “What if things had turned out different for me?” What if I couldn’t play any instruments? What if I couldn’t teach choir? What would I be doing? Obviously, the answer will be different for just about everybody, but I’m going to explore what I would be doing if I was not involved in music.

It’s natural to assume that I would just focus on preaching since that is another ministry God has given me. But the truth is that I received the calling to preach while following the path my musical calling had me on. So, imagining that I would not have received the calling to preach, I would have to say that I would probably try video/visual ministry things. I know that covers a lot of things, but I’ll break it down for you.

Even now as a music minister, I’m always concerned with whether or not the words on the video screen are correct and that they are displayed on time. Working in this ministry challenges one to think and be considerate of others. And I like knowing that I did something at the end of the day that helped somebody.

I also like the freedom of creativity that comes with working in the visual ministry. One gets select background slides, fonts, and other things that people see on the video screen. So, not only do you get to help people, you get to do it in YOUR style.

I also like the idea of working the video camera, getting the right angles at the right times. This is great because you get to be a part of making something that lasts forever. When things are videoed, one tends to want his work to look good because it’s not going to just disappear one day.
Now after I’ve said all that, you may wonder, “Why don’t you get into that ministry?” Well, I am involved in that ministry, just not as in depth as some of the things I spoke about. This involvement comes naturally with being the music minister. So, I’m happy. I get to be involved in the visual media ministry while following my calling to others.

When I grow up I want to be......

One of my college professors told me that a person should only pursue a music degree if there was nothing else they could do. In other words, if that is the only apparent talent, if there are absolutely no other interests, then that avenue would be wise. I've often pondered that as I've walked this rough road of the music profession. Now, many people look at me like I have a monkey on my head when I say that, as they proclaim, "I'm so jealous of you - you get to set around and do music, listen to music, write music and get paid for it!" Oh if that were only true. Forget all the lonely, painful hours of practicing that often never lead to the conclusion you or your professor want. Forget the nervous breakdowns before concerts.....forget all that. It's all rosey.

So what about music makes it a difficult profession? Well, for starters, It's feast or famine. Unfortunately, it's been famine for me. I have friends I went to school with who play for the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra and make three times - literally three times - as much money as I make. I've searched for a happy medium (although the "three-times" amount would be fine) but have never found it. It's a lot of part-time work - very little opportunity for full-time employment in music. Now, granted, I've been blessed to have a full-time music teaching position at Gateway College of Evangelism for the past 14 years (wow - has it been THAT long?). As anyone would guess, music MINISTRY gets treated much like any other ministry when it comes to pay. But I chose this route, right? I take full responsibility for that.

The other difficulty, among many, that I"ll point out is dealing with all those lovely egos. I just can't seem to acquire enought sense to stop pursing a doctoral program, which is suprising considering the results I've often had. It's dog-eat-dog, at least in my experience. Sometimes I wonder if some of those schools even WANT students! And the critiques are so very personal. I've experienced my deepest hurts during interviews with music professors - THAT I can say with certainty. But I m ust also say that some of the most humble, broken people I know are musicians.

So what would I do if I weren't a music educator? Hmmm....so many dreams. I always wanted to be a chiropractor - almost went to school for that. If I weren't so "old" I'd probably try it even now - that and the fact that I have to do math - a "four-letter-word" in my book. That aside, I would like to be involved in history at some level. I heard of a guy who archives American music for foreign countries - a job he has through the State Department. That would be neat. History and music. I'd like to do tours for famous landmarks, like Monticello or Mt Vernon. Or, I'd like to be involved in WWII history somehow.

But here I am - setting here in my office at Gateway typing this blog surrounded by music. I love it and appreciate it the joy it has afforded me, no doubt. But sometimes I just want to throw all my scores out the window and sell the piano and walk away. For now, I'll stay on this roller coaster and see where it leads.

I'm reading- "Where is God When It Hurts" by Philip Yancey (favorite author) and "Mourning Into Dancing" by Henri Nouwen